Tag Archive for 'listening'

Are You Committing Communication Suicide?

Good communication skills are crucial everywhere, from the boardroom to the bedroom. When you commit “commikaze,” or communication suicide, it probably creates more misunderstandings and problems in human relations than any real insults or attacks do. Recognizing those communication minefields is the first step towards improving your communication skills and therefore your personal and professional success.

Here are some of the ways you could be committing communication suicide:

Wimpy word choices. Suppose you asked a colleague to handle something for you, and he replied, “I’ll see what I can do.”  How convinced are you that he’ll really get it done?  Suppose, instead, he said, “I’ll take care of it.” Doesn’t that instill your trust in him?

Instead of:  You shouldn’t use that kind of language.
Try:            I don’t like that kind of language.

Instead of: You didn’t complete the entire form.
Try:           Some parts of the form are still blank.

Instead of: You’re doing this wrong.
Try:            I wonder if there’s a better way to do this.

How you sound. While what you say is important, how you say it is what really conveys the meaning. Sarcasm or boredom in your voice is a turn off. Mumbling is frustrating to hear. A speedy rate of talking can lose listeners. A monotone will put people to sleep. Employ vocal variety so people will want to listen to you.

How you look. Nonverbal qualities account for 55% of our communication impact. Facial expressions, posture, eye communication, attire, body language and gestures all communicate volumes. When you don’t smile, sit slouched over, employ closed, defensive body language, can’t look people in the eye when you’re talking (or listening), or wear inappropriate attire for the workplace or the occasion, people will automatically discount you without you ever having opened your mouth.

Lax listening. When people believe you’re not listening, it creates a disconnect that’s almost impossible to overcome. There is an art to effective listening, and it’s called active listening. Think of your EAR: Engage the speaker; Actually hear what he’s saying; and Respond appropriately.

It’s all about me. If you’re compelled to show off your knowledge or dominate the conversation or force your opinions on people, it won’t matter how witty or smart you are. People are more interested in those who are interested in them. It’s an ironic but undeniable truth that if you show interest and a sort of wide-eyed wonder in other people, they will find you more likable and appealing.

A tendency for “you”phemisms. Casting blame is a sure way to impede communication. No one likes to be accused of wrongdoing.

Bump on a log syndrome. If you can’t show any energy, conviction, or passion for your product or service or company or self, then you can’t expect anyone else to get excited about it. If your presence is not adding value, then why are you there? Show up with energy, project enthusiasm, and get excited about other people’s ideas.

Published on Monday June 11, 2007 in Communication Skills. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , .

Active Listening is Powerful Skill

March is International Listening Awareness Month. So let me help build your awareness of the power of listening and how to effectively wield that power.

First of all, you need to recognize what good listening is not. Obviously, it is not marginal listening—giving half an ear to the speaker while you’re watching television, reading the paper, or working on your computer. You might be surprised to know it’s also not evaluative listening—where you do hear the gist of what the speaker says, but you’re evaluating the content so you can prepare your response. The dead give away when you use this type of listening is when your response starts out with, “Yes, but…”

The best and most powerful form of listening is “active listening.” It fulfills two very basic human needs—to be heard and to be understood. There are three crucial steps to active listening. Think of the acronym EAR to help you remember these steps:

1.      Engage the speaker.  In other words, show the speaker that you’re listening by looking him in the eye, nodding occasionally, showing appropriate facial expressions (a smile for good news, concern for distressing news). Project open and relaxed body language.  Also keep in mind that total silence does not imply listening.  Give vocal signals such as: “mm-hmm,” “yes,” “really?,” “I see,” etc.

2.      Actually hear what’s being said. This means you have to pay attention and process the information. You must concentrate on the content of the message, which is what the speaker is saying, plus the intent, which is what she’s feeling or what she means. It may help by repeating to yourself her key words or main ideas and also observing the nonverbal cues she’s giving.

3.      Respond appropriately. This third step is the key to effectively wielding the power of listening. Instead of saying, “Yes, but…”, you let the other party know you’ve heard and understood him. It can take three forms:

  • Paraphrasing. This means repeating the gist of the message. It’s generally preceded by, “So what you’re saying is…” or “In other words…” or “If I understand you correctly…” The ability to do this
    lets the speaker know you did in fact hear the content of  what he said. The amazing thing about paraphrasing is that once people feel like you heard them, they can be more receptive and open to what you have to say.
  • Probing. This is a particularly important technique in diffusing the tension that comes with disagreement. After the speaker has made a statement, instead of launching into your rebuttal, you probe for more information. “Why do you think that?” “What’s the downside to that?” “Can you give me some examples?” This lets the speaker know you’re interested in hearing his side, which in turn will make him more likely to listen to your side.
  • Reflecting back feelings. This is the finer-tuned skill of interpreting how the speaker feels about what she said. “You must be so proud,” or “That certainly must have made you angry,” or “I imagine you’re very hurt by that…” are examples of reflecting. This is the ultimate validation a speaker can receive: being heard and being understood. When you give that gift to others, it opens doors, breaks down barriers, reduces anger, decreases resistance.

Listening actively is a magical skill. Its mastery can have a profound, positive impact on your presence.


Published on Friday March 10, 2006 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , .