One evening, the famous etiquette authority Emily Post hosted a dinner party in her Washington DC home. There were many famous political and social luminaries there, and the guest of honor was a third world dignitary. The evening progressed comfortably through the various courses, and everything was going beautifully until coffee was served. To the astonishment and horror of all those present, the guest of honor picked up his cup and saucer, poured his coffee from his cup to his saucer, blew on it, and then slurped it from the saucer. The other guests, simply aghast, turned to Emily Post to see how she would handle this horrible gaffe.
No doubt you can guess what she did. She picked up her cup and saucer, poured her coffee from her cup to her saucer, blew on it, and then slurped it from the saucer.
Emily Post once said, “Nothing is less important than which fork you use. Etiquette is the science of living. It embraces everything. It is ethics. It is honor.” She ably demonstrated that evening that it is far more honorable to make someone feel comfortable than to make him feel self-conscious.
“May 21-27 is National Etiquette Week”
With a week devoted to an observance of “etiquette” in May, it’s a good time to generate some more awareness of our conduct—manners, if you will—so people can be better armed for the behaviors and attitudes that will serve them well in their business and personal lives.
So I’m going to offer a primer—just a general overview—on etiquette here. Let’s start with a definition. The dictionary defines etiquette as “the conduct or procedure required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life.” Now, here’s the problem with that definition—it conjures up images of people drinking tea out of delicate china cups with their pinkie fingers extended. For that reason, I don’t like the term “etiquette.”
Emily Post, the manners maven of the early 20th century, once said, “Etiquette is the science of living.” Ah, now that’s better. Given that it’s all about our behaviors and attitudes—the dynamics of our interactions in our business and social life—I choose to call this concept Business and Social Dynamics. There are other terms I like, as well: presence, professionalism, emotional intelligence. Why is this concept so important? When our behaviors are positive and professional, we have a powerful and credible presence—we’re noticed and taken seriously. When we practice these skills, we’re more likable. And when we’re more likable, our interactions are more productive, our environment is more pleasant, and our desired outcomes are usually more successful. We “stand out”!
What are some of these dynamics?
- Show interest in others. Nothing—and I mean nothing—is a stronger likability factor.
- Be a good listener. Pay attention when others are talking, hear what they’re saying, and let them know you’ve heard them by responding appropriately.
- Don’t interrupt someone who is talking.
- Resist trying to top another person’s story.
- Practice basic good manners: say “please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me” when appropriate.
- Learn to make proper introductions. Whenever possible, you say the name of the more important person first.
- Strive to learn and remember people’s names. Repeating the name, asking for its spelling, committing to remembering it, and making word associations will help.
- Mind your dining manners. Don’t talk with your mouth full, learn place settings so you know which glass is yours (everything you drink from is on the right), choose your utensils from the outside in, put your napkin on your lap when you sit down at the table and leave it there until you rise to leave.
- Return phone calls and email promptly.
- Show enthusiasm and energy in everything you do—nothing is more contagious.
- Compliment good ideas and good work.
- Strive to make others feel comfortable—whether it’s a newcomer, a customer, a guest, a junior associate.
A speaker on domestic violence began this way:
“How many of you know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence? —I see about one third of the room. Now, how many of you know someone who has had breast cancer?—That looks like everyone in the room. Now I’d like to share some interesting statistics with you. One out of eight women will get breast cancer. But one out of four—twice as many—are victims of violence at the hands of a loved one. So, more than likely, every one of you knows someone who is or has been a victim.”
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